Presumptions

A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
 
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
 
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
 
The local paper read:
 
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
 
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
 
The next day, the local paper headline read:
 
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
 
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
 
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
 
The bishop fainted.
 
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
 
The next day the paper read:
 
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
 
The next day the headlines read:
 
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
 
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.
 
So be yourself and enjoy life.
 
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Why Bill Gates decides to sell OFF Microsoft?

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine.. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Sexual Behaviour

A leading professor of sexual behaviour is giving a lecture to his students, explaining that peoples overall disposition is directly related to the amount of times they have sex.
"For instance, all those people here who have sex once a week, raise your hands". Quite a few of the students with beaming faces raise their hands.
"Now all those people who have sex once a month raise your hands". A few of the more glum students hold up their hands.
"Now the people who have sex only once a year raise your hands" One or two really miserable buggers raise their hands sheepishly.
"Now anyone who only has sex once every ten years raise their hands" A Guy in the back row with a beaming face and a grin from ear to ear jumps out of his seat and gleefully shouts" Me me me"!!!!!!
The professor is astounded by the man's joyful look, "You only have sex once every ten years"? he inquires
"Yes indeed" says the man barely containing is glee,
"Well why do you look so happy"?
"IT'S TONIGHT, IT'S TONIGHT" replies the man.

The Pet Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"

Rules for driving in Delhi

I have started to compile the driving rule book that Delhiites abide by. It is a ever growing list and it'll be my pleasure to add to it later. Don't worry, I doubt there is a rule book published by our authorities, so they can thank me later for this hard work ;-)

Action: The light has just turned green
Reaction: Honk
Reason: All the drivers of those 20 cars in front of you are sleeping or have no motivation in the world to go anywhere, so it is your duty to get them going!

Action: A car has approached you from the opposite direction
Reaction: Flash your lights
Reason: The driver in the car opposite you obviously cannot see your car that is at least 6 ft wide and it is your responsibility to alert him of your approaching monstrosity by flashing your lights. Of course, he may miss your car, but he will not miss your flashing lights!

Action: You have just come upon a road that has at least two lanes
Reaction: Do not stay in your lane. At least be hogging 10% of the other lane
Reason: You are paying road tax. Get your money's worth. So what if other's have paid road tax too. It is yours that matters.

Action: You are driving at 80 km/hr and you spot a pedestrian 100 ft away standing on the median
Reaction: Honk like crazy and flash your lights. If possible, stick your head out, aka Ace Ventura, and scream your lungs out too
Reason: That pedestrian is on a suicide mission and he has chosen your car as the weapon of his destruction. While he may not be scared of your speeding car, but your honking and your flashing lights will be a huge deterrent to his mission. If suicide does not occur, for you it is however, mission accomplished... Well.. until you spot the next pedestrian.

Action: You are stuck in a traffic jam and a space of 5-10 ft has just been created in front of the car in front of you
Reaction: Honk and if that fails, flash your lights
Reason: How dare that ninkampoop in front of you not immediately occupy that 10 feet space just created. Has he forgotten we are in an atomic reaction where we have 1 billion elements and it is the responsibility of all these elements to keep moving, colliding etc. Any drastic mistake, like him standing still, could have far reaching repercussions on this mega experiment.

Action: You just got into a fender bender
Reaction: Get out of the car, scream a few obscenities at the other driver, keep a grim look on your face, shake your head violently a few times and then move on
Reason: You as a responsible element of the atomic reaction and have not forgotten that this was "meant to be". You undestand for any atomic reaction to be successful, collisions must take place. So, keep on moving until the next collision.

Action: You have to make a right turn and there are only two lanes
Reaction: Occupy the second lane meant for people going straight, but do keep your turn signal on
Reason: You are paying road tax and how dare the authorities only make one lane for turning right. They are the ones at fault and not you. At least you are being considerate and flashing your turn signal. So what if the person behind you had to go straight and has now missed his green signal. He also should blame the road authorities for their stupidity and not you.

Action: You are stuck behind a car wanting to go right while you want to go straight
Reaction: Honk like crazy, flash your lights. If all else fails, get out of the car and get down to have a meaningful discussion with the car in front hogging the lane
Reason: How dare he. And how dare he blame the authorities. When you do the same it is different. It is because you are "special" and he is not ;-)

Action: You want to turn right and there is a car coming from the opposite direction
Reaction: Make the right without waiting for that car to pass
Reason: You have already watched The Matrix and "There is no car"!

More later!

 

-Siddharth R

Cadavers

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
 
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
 
 "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Presence of Mind

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of sugar.. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of sugar". To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!"

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?" To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!" The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico". To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Presence of mind helps, never panic!!!!!!!!

The Three Patients

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two
Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor........ "

A Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004 & 2005,2006 , 2007, 2008. 2009

Because of your kindness:

• I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
• I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
• I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
• I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
• I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from with calls to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo .
• I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
• When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
• I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
• I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the  $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
• My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland .
• Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions$.
• Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc� now most of those 'Wishes' are already married  (to someone else)

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.. Then I come one Lasta Time.

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public Places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?

I'm a Justa Tellin my friend how to spell ' Mississippi ','

Santa Ki Biwi

Santa ki biwi: Aaj tum mere saath aisa kuch karo ki bas meri cheekhein hi nikal jaaye..

Bas phir kya tha... Santa ne biwi ki salwaar mein aag laga di.....

The Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have hi m around the house than the drunk..
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,  'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
 
 
Then she looked at him and said,
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)

--

ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, WHO LOVE TO LAUGH!

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the

Heaven's Gates..

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun

glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may

know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please

take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks

out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the

so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest:

Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a

foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken

robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life

preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his

Auto, people PRAYED'

It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Reasons Why we Indians Cannot be Terrorists

 

Reasons Why we Indians Cannot be Terrorists: 1. We are always late - we would have missed the flight which was meant to be hijacked. 2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves. 3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there in the first place . 4. We talk with our hands  - therefore we would have to put our weapons down. 5. We would ALL want to fly the plane. 6. We would a argue and start a fight in the plane. 7. We can't keep a secret ; we would have told everyone a week before doing it. 8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield. 9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day. 10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.

Santa-Banta Jokes

Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doc.
Doc: wht happened?
Son: Bimari da ta pata nahin par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya hai

Jeeto & Preeto were talking about their new milkman.
Jeeto: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said Preeto

While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here

Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.

Santa went to see a gal for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk. After some time, Santa asks: Behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?
Girl: Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye.
 
Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!

Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

Santa and Jeeto were on an African Safari when a lion sprang out of nowhere & draged Jeeto with his jaws.
Jeeto: Shoot him, Shoot him!
Santa: I can't. I ran out of film.

Fwd: How a Punjabi Lady addresses/calls her Husband, in the first 7 Years

How a Punjabi Lady addresses/calls her Husband, in the first 7 Years
1st Year: A G
2nd Year: O G
3rd Year: Sunde Ho
4th Year: O Bunty de papa
5th Year: Mein kya, sunya nahi
6th Year: Kithe Mar gaye?
7th Year: Tusi aa rahe ho ya mein aawan?

A TRUE SCOTSMAN

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts.

He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite ye  breasts for $100? "

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.

"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;

 "Would you let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K.,

Just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there "

So they go into the alley,

 where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,

fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

English is Fun

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

Gates of Heaven

Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being
interviewed by St. Peter.

Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??
Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three
different women a year all my married life.
Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.
St. Peter turns to Francis, How many times did you cheat on your wife??
Francis replies, I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did
cheat on my wife twice.

 
St. Peter says, ?OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the
keys. Get going!
He then looks at Ubaldo, And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, I am proud to say that in
over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my
beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the
whole time!

 
St Peter replies, Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW
Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby
waiting for their friend.  Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying
his heart out. Michael asks, Arrre! What's the matter with you? We
should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an
expensive BMW!"
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Between sobs Ubaldo explains, I just saw my wife in a Nano!