Wasim Bhai and Tota

1 din 1 lady shop se parrot (Tota)  khareedne gayi....Usne dukandar se kaha: Wasim bhai, 1 Tota chahiye....Dukaandaar ne usko ek Tota dikhaya...

Lady ne puchha: Is Tote ki khaas baat kya hai Wasim bhai...???

Dukaandaar bola: Ye Tota bolta hai.
Lady ne kaha achha..Usne Tote se puchha: Main tumhe kaisi lagti hoon???
"Bahen ki laudi randi lagti hai", Tote ne kaha.
Lady ne kaha: Wasim bhai ye to bahut badtameez tota hai. Gaali deta hai.
Vasim bhai use ander le gya aur pani me dubaya aur pucha: Gali dega??
Tota: Haan dunga
Wasim ne phir dubaya aur puchha: Gali dega??
Tota: Haan dunga....Wasim ne phir pani me dubaya aur kaha: Gaali dega??
Is bar Tota man gya aur kaha nahi dunga bhai nhi dunga,,,,,Woh usko bahar le gya aur lady se kaha ye ab gali nahi dega..
Tab lady ne usse pucha ...
Agar mere ghar par mere saath 1 aadmi aaye to tum kya sochoge??
Tote:Tumhara pati hoga..Lady: Agar 2 aadmi aaye to kya?
Tota: Tumhara pati aur devar,
Lady: Agar 3 aadmi ..
Tota: Tumhara pati ,dewar,aur bhayiya.
Lady: Agar 4 aadmi aye to...
...................................
Tota.....Wasim bhai pani lao...Maine to pehle hi kaha tha ki
"Behen ki laudi randi hai".

ATM PROCEDURE

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE  
  
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE: 
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.. 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw the card. 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 
6. Put window up. 
7... Drive off. 

FEMALE PROCEDURE: 
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!!! 

1. Drive up to cash machine..
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with machine. 
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car. 
8 Insert card. 
9. Re-insert card the right way. 
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN. 
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required. 
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 
15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup. 
19. Drive forward 2 feet. 
20. Reverse back to cash machine. 
21. Retrieve card. 
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 
25. Redial person on cell phone. 
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 
27. Release Parking Brake.

Health and Nutrition Facts.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually..  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around  the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.  

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about  food  and diets.

Life in a journey...

'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention
of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body,
but rather  to skid in sideways

Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other -
body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and  
screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'

A Comparison Of American Health Statistics

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
      and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
      and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Don't Dare Mess With Old Ladies

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
 
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
 
Officer: Can I see your license please?
 
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
 
Officer: Don't have one?
 
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
 
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
 
Older Woman: I can't do that.
 
Officer: Why not?
 
Older Woman: I stole this car..
 
Officer: Stole it?
 
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
 
Officer: You what?
 
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
 
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
 
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
 
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
 
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
 
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

4 PJs, Too corny to pass up

This was too corny, to pass up........!! !!!

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER..... ......using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

another deadly answer. Scroll down a little

Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down.

Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP) 'TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee.' us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee'.

If that was not enough even uptill now, one more deadly answer.... scroll down

Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & 'jalney lagega'

Wanna kill me....?

Dont bother........Me too looking for the guy who sent me this.......! !!

AAJ TAK - Year 2020

The year is 2020 and India's much awaited MAN-ON-THE-MOON mission is successful. The first Indian astronaut lands on the moon. The moment he steps his foot on moon he is shocked to see 2 Indians already present on the moon.
 
The astronaut asks them: "Who are u?"

Reply: "Cameraman Santosh ke saath Deepak Chourasiya…...AAJ TAK"