Pretending to be married

A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train. They tried to make other arrangements, but the train was full and they were both very tired. They agreed to make the best of it for at least one night. There were two berths, and the man gallantly agreed to take the upper one.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you please reach into that closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she said. "Get your own fucking blanket."

Why Indian Wives call their husbands "A. G"

Yeh Biwiyan apne pati ko "A.G." kyon kehti hain?
Kyonki Biwiyan Sanskari hoti hain;
Sabke saamne "Abey Gadhe" nahin keh sakti.
Isliye, short form main bulati hain "A.G".

Parrot with no legs

This guy is setting at a bar, and he's had a lot to drink that night; he asks the bartender for another drink, but the bartender says no.

The guy is pretty upset by this and persists, but the bartender keeps saying no. Finally the guy asks, "Well isn't there anything that you can give me?" The bartender says, "I've got this parrot over there in the corner, sitting on a perch, with no legs.

The guy interested by this asks how the parrot stays on the perch with no legs. The bartender tells the guy that the parrot just raps his dick around the perch.

The guy is amazed by this and agrees to take the bird home. On the trip home he asks the parrot if he can talk. The parrot says, "Sure I can talk!"

The guy thinks for a second and then says, "I've got a job for you. I have to go to work tomorrow and my wife will be home alone all day long. I want you to watch her and tell me everything that happens while I'm gone. The only person other than my wife scheduled to be there is the milk man."

The parrot agrees to watch the man's wife. The next morning the guy leaves for work, leaving only his wife and the parrot at home. Later that evening the man returns home and asks the parrot what his wife did all day.

Parrot: "Within an hour after you left the milk man appeared. Your wife walked to the door, dressed in her bathrobe and let him in. Right away they started kissing!"

Man: "Then what happened after that?"

Parrot: "They started taking each other's clothes off."

Man: "And then what?"-getting more angry

Parrot: "Your wife started jacking him off!"

Man: "What next?"-really steamed by this time

Parrot: "She started giving him a blow job!"

Man: "And what then, did they do anything else?"

Parrot: "I don't know by that time I got a hard on, and fell off my perch!"

Rodeo Sex

Have you heard about the latest sensation? It's called "Rodeo Sex"?

Thats when you mount your wife doggy style and in the middle of the sex act you bend over and whisper in her ear, "Your sister has a tighter pussy than you", and try to hold on for 8 seconds!

Your chores!

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him he can't have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat as he's walking into the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

 

Friendship is (desi version)...

Friendship is not about "I m sorry " its about "abbe teri galti hai "

Friendship is not about "I m there for u " its about "kahan marr gaya saale "

Friendship is not about "I understand " its about "sab teri wajah se hua manhus"

Friendship is not about "I care for u " its about "kamino tumhe chhod ke kahan jaunga "

Friendship is not about "I m happy for ur success "its about "chal party de saale"

Friendship is not about "I love that girl" its about "saalo izzat se dekho tumhari bhabhi hain "

Sex in the dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming,
romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down....... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.... a vibrator!
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.
She went completely ballistic.
'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years?
You better explain yourself!'
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:
'I'll explain the toy, you explain the kids.'

Cricket in heaven!

Sachin Tendulkar and Sourav Ganguly, now pretty old guys in their mid 80s, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about cricket, like they do every day.
 
Sachin turns to Sourav and says, "Do you think there's cricket in heaven?"
 
Ganguly thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a
deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's cricket in heaven and if you die first, you do the same."
 
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Sachin passes away.
 
Only a couple of days later, Ganguly is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself, when he hears a voice whisper, "Sourav...Sourav !"
 
Ganguly responds, "Sachin! Is that you?"
 
"Yes it is, Sourav," whispers Sachin's ghost.
 
Ganguly, still amazed, asks, "So.... is there cricket in heaven?"
 
"Well," says Sachin, "I've got good news and bad news."
 
"Gimme the good news first," says Ganguly.
 
Sachin says, "Well... there is cricket in heaven."
 
Ganguly says, "That's great and what news could be bad enough to ruin that ?"
 
Sachin sighs and whispers, "You are going to open the innings this Friday."

Wasim Bhai and Tota

1 din 1 lady shop se parrot (Tota)  khareedne gayi....Usne dukandar se kaha: Wasim bhai, 1 Tota chahiye....Dukaandaar ne usko ek Tota dikhaya...

Lady ne puchha: Is Tote ki khaas baat kya hai Wasim bhai...???

Dukaandaar bola: Ye Tota bolta hai.
Lady ne kaha achha..Usne Tote se puchha: Main tumhe kaisi lagti hoon???
"Bahen ki laudi randi lagti hai", Tote ne kaha.
Lady ne kaha: Wasim bhai ye to bahut badtameez tota hai. Gaali deta hai.
Vasim bhai use ander le gya aur pani me dubaya aur pucha: Gali dega??
Tota: Haan dunga
Wasim ne phir dubaya aur puchha: Gali dega??
Tota: Haan dunga....Wasim ne phir pani me dubaya aur kaha: Gaali dega??
Is bar Tota man gya aur kaha nahi dunga bhai nhi dunga,,,,,Woh usko bahar le gya aur lady se kaha ye ab gali nahi dega..
Tab lady ne usse pucha ...
Agar mere ghar par mere saath 1 aadmi aaye to tum kya sochoge??
Tote:Tumhara pati hoga..Lady: Agar 2 aadmi aaye to kya?
Tota: Tumhara pati aur devar,
Lady: Agar 3 aadmi ..
Tota: Tumhara pati ,dewar,aur bhayiya.
Lady: Agar 4 aadmi aye to...
...................................
Tota.....Wasim bhai pani lao...Maine to pehle hi kaha tha ki
"Behen ki laudi randi hai".

ATM PROCEDURE

MALE VS. FEMALE AT THE ATM MACHINE  
  
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

MALE PROCEDURE: 
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.. 
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw the card. 
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 
6. Put window up. 
7... Drive off. 

FEMALE PROCEDURE: 
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!!! 

1. Drive up to cash machine..
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with machine. 
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open door to allow easier access to machine due to excessive distance from car. 
8 Insert card. 
9. Re-insert card the right way. 
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN. 
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required. 
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 
15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup. 
19. Drive forward 2 feet. 
20. Reverse back to cash machine. 
21. Retrieve card. 
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided! 
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 
25. Redial person on cell phone. 
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 
27. Release Parking Brake.

Health and Nutrition Facts.

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually..  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.  Want to live longer?  Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn. And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak  is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of  delivering vegetables to your  system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? 
A:  No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit.  Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms   up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you? 
A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .....  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for  you? 

Q:  Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around  the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach. 

Q:  Is   chocolate bad for me? 
A:  Are   you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your figure? 
A:  If   swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.  

Q:  Is getting   in-shape important for my   lifestyle? 
A:  Hey!  'Round' is a shape! 

Well,   I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may  have had about  food  and diets.

Life in a journey...

'Life should  NOT  be a journey to the grave with the intention
of  arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved  body,
but rather  to skid in sideways

Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in  the other -
body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and  
screaming 'WOO  HOO, What a  Ride'

A Comparison Of American Health Statistics

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies. 

1. The Japanese eat  very little fat
      and suffer  fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

2. The Mexicans  eat a lot of  fat
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

3. The Chinese  drink very little  red wine
      and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The  Italians drink a lot of red  wine
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans. 

5. The Germans  drink a lot of beers and eat lots of  sausages and fats  
      and suffer fewer heart attacks than   Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Don't Dare Mess With Old Ladies

A mature (over 50) lady gets pulled over for speeding...
 
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
 
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
 
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
 
Officer: Can I see your license please?
 
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
 
Officer: Don't have one?
 
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
 
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please..
 
Older Woman: I can't do that.
 
Officer: Why not?
 
Older Woman: I stole this car..
 
Officer: Stole it?
 
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
 
Officer: You what?
 
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
 
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
 
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
 
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
 
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
 
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
 
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
 
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
 
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
 
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
 
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
 
Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

4 PJs, Too corny to pass up

This was too corny, to pass up........!! !!!

Question: You are in a boat in the middle of a river. You have 2 Cigarettes and have to light any one cigarette. You don't have anything else with you in the boat? How will you do it?

Answer: Take one cigarette and throw it in the water. So the boat will become LIGHTER..... ......using this LIGHTER you can light the other Cigarette

another deadly answer. Scroll down a little

Another solution: You throw a cigarette up and catch it. Catches win Matches. Using the matches that you win, you can light the cigarette

If that was not enough, one more deadly answer.... scroll down.

Take water in your hand and drop it drop by drop...(TIP - TIP) 'TIP TIP barsa Pani. Pani ne aag lagayee.' us aag se hamne cigarette jalayee'.

If that was not enough even uptill now, one more deadly answer.... scroll down

Start praising one cigarette, The other will get jealous & 'jalney lagega'

Wanna kill me....?

Dont bother........Me too looking for the guy who sent me this.......! !!

AAJ TAK - Year 2020

The year is 2020 and India's much awaited MAN-ON-THE-MOON mission is successful. The first Indian astronaut lands on the moon. The moment he steps his foot on moon he is shocked to see 2 Indians already present on the moon.
 
The astronaut asks them: "Who are u?"

Reply: "Cameraman Santosh ke saath Deepak Chourasiya…...AAJ TAK"

Presumptions

A man walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
 
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
 
The man replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."

The Pastor's Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
 
The local paper read:
 
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.
 
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
 
The next day, the local paper headline read:
 
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey.
 
The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
 
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
 
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
 
The bishop fainted.
 
He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.
 
The next day the paper read:
 
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.
 
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
 
The next day the headlines read:
 
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The bishop was buried the next day.
 
The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . .. even shorten your life.
 
So be yourself and enjoy life.
 
Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

Why Bill Gates decides to sell OFF Microsoft?

Letter from Banta Singh of Punjab to Mr. Bill Gates of Microsoft

Subject: Problems with my new computer

Dear Mr. Bill Gates,

We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.

1. There is a button 'start' but there is no 'stop' button. We request you to check this.

2. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friends clicked 'run' he ran up to Amritsar ! So, we request you to change that to 'sit', so that we can click that by sitting.

3. One doubt is whether any 're-scooter' is available in system? I find only 're-cycle', but I own a scooter at my home.

4. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ' find' button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.

5. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so when you will provide that?

6. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows 'MY Computer': when you will provide the remaining items?

7. It is surprising that windows says 'MY Pictures' but there is not even a single photo of mine.. So when will you keep my photo in that.

8. There is 'MICROSOFT OFFICE' what about 'MICROSOFT HOME' since I use the PC at home only.

9. You provided 'My Recent Documents'. When you will provide 'My Past Documents'?

10. You provide 'My Network Places'. For God sake please do not provide 'My Secret Places'. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.

Regards,

Banta

Last one to Mr Bill Gates :

Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but u are selling WINDOWS?

Sexual Behaviour

A leading professor of sexual behaviour is giving a lecture to his students, explaining that peoples overall disposition is directly related to the amount of times they have sex.
"For instance, all those people here who have sex once a week, raise your hands". Quite a few of the students with beaming faces raise their hands.
"Now all those people who have sex once a month raise your hands". A few of the more glum students hold up their hands.
"Now the people who have sex only once a year raise your hands" One or two really miserable buggers raise their hands sheepishly.
"Now anyone who only has sex once every ten years raise their hands" A Guy in the back row with a beaming face and a grin from ear to ear jumps out of his seat and gleefully shouts" Me me me"!!!!!!
The professor is astounded by the man's joyful look, "You only have sex once every ten years"? he inquires
"Yes indeed" says the man barely containing is glee,
"Well why do you look so happy"?
"IT'S TONIGHT, IT'S TONIGHT" replies the man.

The Pet Monkey

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "Now what?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue
ball he measures everything first!"

Rules for driving in Delhi

I have started to compile the driving rule book that Delhiites abide by. It is a ever growing list and it'll be my pleasure to add to it later. Don't worry, I doubt there is a rule book published by our authorities, so they can thank me later for this hard work ;-)

Action: The light has just turned green
Reaction: Honk
Reason: All the drivers of those 20 cars in front of you are sleeping or have no motivation in the world to go anywhere, so it is your duty to get them going!

Action: A car has approached you from the opposite direction
Reaction: Flash your lights
Reason: The driver in the car opposite you obviously cannot see your car that is at least 6 ft wide and it is your responsibility to alert him of your approaching monstrosity by flashing your lights. Of course, he may miss your car, but he will not miss your flashing lights!

Action: You have just come upon a road that has at least two lanes
Reaction: Do not stay in your lane. At least be hogging 10% of the other lane
Reason: You are paying road tax. Get your money's worth. So what if other's have paid road tax too. It is yours that matters.

Action: You are driving at 80 km/hr and you spot a pedestrian 100 ft away standing on the median
Reaction: Honk like crazy and flash your lights. If possible, stick your head out, aka Ace Ventura, and scream your lungs out too
Reason: That pedestrian is on a suicide mission and he has chosen your car as the weapon of his destruction. While he may not be scared of your speeding car, but your honking and your flashing lights will be a huge deterrent to his mission. If suicide does not occur, for you it is however, mission accomplished... Well.. until you spot the next pedestrian.

Action: You are stuck in a traffic jam and a space of 5-10 ft has just been created in front of the car in front of you
Reaction: Honk and if that fails, flash your lights
Reason: How dare that ninkampoop in front of you not immediately occupy that 10 feet space just created. Has he forgotten we are in an atomic reaction where we have 1 billion elements and it is the responsibility of all these elements to keep moving, colliding etc. Any drastic mistake, like him standing still, could have far reaching repercussions on this mega experiment.

Action: You just got into a fender bender
Reaction: Get out of the car, scream a few obscenities at the other driver, keep a grim look on your face, shake your head violently a few times and then move on
Reason: You as a responsible element of the atomic reaction and have not forgotten that this was "meant to be". You undestand for any atomic reaction to be successful, collisions must take place. So, keep on moving until the next collision.

Action: You have to make a right turn and there are only two lanes
Reaction: Occupy the second lane meant for people going straight, but do keep your turn signal on
Reason: You are paying road tax and how dare the authorities only make one lane for turning right. They are the ones at fault and not you. At least you are being considerate and flashing your turn signal. So what if the person behind you had to go straight and has now missed his green signal. He also should blame the road authorities for their stupidity and not you.

Action: You are stuck behind a car wanting to go right while you want to go straight
Reaction: Honk like crazy, flash your lights. If all else fails, get out of the car and get down to have a meaningful discussion with the car in front hogging the lane
Reason: How dare he. And how dare he blame the authorities. When you do the same it is different. It is because you are "special" and he is not ;-)

Action: You want to turn right and there is a car coming from the opposite direction
Reaction: Make the right without waiting for that car to pass
Reason: You have already watched The Matrix and "There is no car"!

More later!

 

-Siddharth R

Cadavers

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor.
 
The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"! he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
 
 "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

Presence of Mind

In a shop a man asked for 1/2 kg of sugar.. The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs were available in the shop, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg. So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said "An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg of sugar". To his surprise, the customer was standing behind him. So the boy added immediately, "And this gentleman wants to buy the other half!!"

After the customer left, the manager said "You have saved your position by being clever enough at the right time. Where do you come from?" To this the boy said, "I come from Mexico. The place consists of only prostitutes and football players!!!!!" The manager replied coldly, "My wife is also from Mexico". To this the boy asked excitedly, "Oh yeah? Which team does she play for?"

Presence of mind helps, never panic!!!!!!!!

The Three Patients

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"

The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, that's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"

He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two
Patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"

"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor........ "

A Mail from a frustrated victim of chain mails

I wanted to thank all my friends and family who have forwarded chain letters to me in 2003 & 2004 & 2005,2006 , 2007, 2008. 2009

Because of your kindness:

• I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
• I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
• I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.
• I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes. I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
• I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from with calls to Uganda , Singapore and Tokyo .
• I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.
• When I go to parties, I don't look at any girl, no matter how hot she is, for fear that she will take me to a hotel, drug me then take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
• I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times. (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
• I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the  $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program would arrive soon.
• My free Nokia phone never arrived and neither did the free passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland .
• Still open to help some from Bulgaria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle property of some hundred millions$.
• Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc� now most of those 'Wishes' are already married  (to someone else)

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops, and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

'Emma come First. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice.. Then I come one Lasta Time.

The lady can't take this any more, 'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig.' she retorted indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud on Public Places about our sex lives.'

'Hey, coola down lady, ' said the man. 'Who talkin'abouta sex?

I'm a Justa Tellin my friend how to spell ' Mississippi ','

Santa Ki Biwi

Santa ki biwi: Aaj tum mere saath aisa kuch karo ki bas meri cheekhein hi nikal jaaye..

Bas phir kya tha... Santa ne biwi ki salwaar mein aag laga di.....

The Rancher

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have hi m around the house than the drunk..
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,  'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off, she said.Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
 
 
Then she looked at him and said,
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)

--

ALL MY FRIENDS AND FAMILY, WHO LOVE TO LAUGH!

A Priest dies & is awaiting his turn in line at the

Heaven's Gates..

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun

glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God asks him: Please tell me who are you, so that I may

know whether to admit you into the kingdom of Heaven or not ?

The guy replies: I am Pandi, Auto driver from Chennai!

God consults his ledger, smiles & says to Pandi: Please

take this silken robe & gold scarf & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

Now it is the priest's turn. He stands erect and speaks

out in a booming voice: I am Pope's Assistant so & so, Head Priest of the

so & so Church for the last 40 years.

God consults his ledger & says to the Priest:

Please take this cotton robe & enter the Kingdom of Heaven ...

'Just a minute,' says the agonized Priest. 'How is it that a

foul mouthed, rash driving Auto Driver is given a Silken

robe & a Golden scarf and me, a Priest, who's spent his whole life

preaching your Name & goodness has to make do with a Cotton robe?'

'Results my friend, results,' shrugs God.

'While you preached, people SLEPT; but when he drove his

Auto, people PRAYED'

It's PERFORMANCE & not POSITION that ultimately counts.

Reasons Why we Indians Cannot be Terrorists

 

Reasons Why we Indians Cannot be Terrorists: 1. We are always late - we would have missed the flight which was meant to be hijacked. 2. We would talk loudly and bring attention to ourselves. 3. With free food & drinks on the plane, we would forget why we're there in the first place . 4. We talk with our hands  - therefore we would have to put our weapons down. 5. We would ALL want to fly the plane. 6. We would a argue and start a fight in the plane. 7. We can't keep a secret ; we would have told everyone a week before doing it. 8. We would have put our country's flag on the windshield. 9. We would have postponed the mission because a cricket match was going on that day. 10. We would all have fallen over each other to be in the photograph being taken with one of the hostages.

Santa-Banta Jokes

Santa suffering from cold was shivering. His son called a doc.
Doc: wht happened?
Son: Bimari da ta pata nahin par baapu saver da VIBRATION mode te lagaya hai

Jeeto & Preeto were talking about their new milkman.
Jeeto: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said Preeto

While walking in the highlands Santa fell down a deep hole.
Banta: R u ok?
Santa: Yeah!
Banta: Did u break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here

Santa goes to buy a underwear. On choosing one he asks: How much for this?
Shopkeeper: Rs 500
Santa: Arey bhai daily waer dikhaao, Party wear nahin chahiye.

Santa went to see a gal for marriage. Their families decided to leave them for some talk. After some time, Santa asks: Behenji, tusin kinne behen-bhai ho?
Girl: Vaise taan 3 si, par hun 4 ho gaye.
 
Santa: Itne kam marks? Do thappad marne chahiye.
Pappu: Haan papa, chalo maine us saale master ka ghar bhi dekh rakha hai.

Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out of the window?
A: He wanted to see butterfly!

Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early and found a cigarette butt in the ashtray.

Jeeto: U tell a man something, it goes in one ear & comes out of the other.
Santa: U tell a woman something, it goes in both ears & comes out of the mouth.

Santa and Jeeto were on an African Safari when a lion sprang out of nowhere & draged Jeeto with his jaws.
Jeeto: Shoot him, Shoot him!
Santa: I can't. I ran out of film.

Fwd: How a Punjabi Lady addresses/calls her Husband, in the first 7 Years

How a Punjabi Lady addresses/calls her Husband, in the first 7 Years
1st Year: A G
2nd Year: O G
3rd Year: Sunde Ho
4th Year: O Bunty de papa
5th Year: Mein kya, sunya nahi
6th Year: Kithe Mar gaye?
7th Year: Tusi aa rahe ho ya mein aawan?

A TRUE SCOTSMAN

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with absolutely perfect breasts.

He approaches her and says, "Miss, would you let me bite ye  breasts for $100? "

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite ye breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks.

"Listen; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ;

 "Would you let me bite ye breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a moment and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; O.K.,

Just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there "

So they go into the alley,

 where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them,

fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in
them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."

English is Fun

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE
LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING
YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE
ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT
TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome :
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Hotel, Acapulco :
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER.

In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

Gates of Heaven

Michael, Francis and Ubaldo are standing at the Gates of Heaven being
interviewed by St. Peter.

Ok you, Michael, how many times did you cheat on your wife??
Let me be honest Peter. I've been seeing at least two or three
different women a year all my married life.
Ok, your car in heaven is that Hyundai Santro there. Goodbye.
St. Peter turns to Francis, How many times did you cheat on your wife??
Francis replies, I must admit that in fifteen years of marriage I did
cheat on my wife twice.

 
St. Peter says, ?OK, your car in heaven is that Honda Civic. Here's the
keys. Get going!
He then looks at Ubaldo, And you, how many times did you cheat on your wife??
Ubaldo lifts his head high and replies, I am proud to say that in
over twenty years of marriage, I never cheated on my wife. In fact, my
beloved has been dead for two years now and I remained celibate the
whole time!

 
St Peter replies, Very impressive. Your car in heaven is that BMW
Z4-M Roadster convertible. Goodbye!
Michael and Francis have driven off and are in a car park nearby
waiting for their friend.  Ubaldo turns up in his BMW but he is crying
his heart out. Michael asks, Arrre! What's the matter with you? We
should be crying. We're stuck with these cheaper models and you got an
expensive BMW!"
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--
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Between sobs Ubaldo explains, I just saw my wife in a Nano!

The Big List of Bipin's SMS Jokes. Volume 1.

Ek Ladki Zor Zor say gaanaa gaa rahi thi
 
Mujhay Rang De
Mujhay Rang De
 
Ladki ki Maa ne usay Bahut maaraa
 
Kyun ?
 
??
 
?
 
?
 
??
 
Kyun ki Ladki
" TOTLI " Thi..

Guy to pimp: This time send me female with big boobs and small  hole.....!  Female arrives and asks: Are u the guy with the big mouth and small dick?

Santa proposd his BOSS's daughtr.
Boss:Jitni teri salary hai us main to meri beti k liye toilet papr bhi nhi aega.
Santa:Je inni potty krdi hai te fir rehn do!

Masterji:- pinku, A,B,C,D, se shuru hone wala 1 sentence banao?
Pinku:-Sir.... 
Masterji:-ha ha batao ghabrao nahi.
Pinku:-Apki Behan Chod Dunga.

Santa:5 Rs Dena.
Banta:Right Jeb se le
(Jeb Fati thi LUND Haath Aaya)
Santa:Nahi hai.
Banta:Left Dekh
(Fir Fati Jeb)
Santa:Bhenchod Rupya 1 Nahi
Aur Lund 2-2.

Ek admi adhi raat ko apni moti biwi se bola ki sisak sisak ke marna theek hai ya ek dum.
BIWI - Ek dum.
Admi - toh apni dusri tang bhi mujh per rakh do.

A man to santa : aao ji chess khelein..!
Santa : tu chal mein sports shoes pehen kar aaya..!

Sardar ko Neat peete dekh ek Aadmi bola: Aapne daru me pani bhi nahi dala?
SARDAR: Abe hum Sardar hain,
itna paani to DARU ko dekh kar hi Muh mein aa Jata hai.

Watz d perfect example of both Good luck and Bad luck?
The naughty wind blows the pantyless girl's skirt high but brings d dust along to close ur eyes!

Paddy goes into Marks & Spencers to buy his wife a maternity bra.
Shop assistant says: "What bust sir?" Paddy says: "The fucking condom !!"

Santa to Banta : Muje shak ho gaya
meri biwi ki  chaddi  tere bedroom me  kaise ?
Banta : Par  teri biwi kahan  pehenti hai ?
Santa : Achha ! Phir theek  hai !

Doc 1: I had sex with my patient. I am feeling guilty.
Doc 2: It happens in our profession. Take it easy.
Doc 1: But you know I am a Vetenary Doctor.

For years he thought he was a damn good fucker,
 
but then . . .
 
he found out . . .                 
 
his wife had asthma...

Museum admn : dats a 500 year old statue u've broken..Banta : thnks god.! I thought it was a new one.

Marwadi lady with small busts inquire to Dr. bust enlargment Plastic Surgery karvane me kitna kharcha aaega ?
Dr: 5 lakh
Marwadi lady: Agar Plastic hum de to?

Ladki apne boyfriend se: kya shaadi k baad bhi tum mujhe itna pyar karoge?
Boy- Kyon nahi, arey main to diwana hoon shadi-shuda auraton ka...!
 

MAN: Give me VIAGRA extra dose.
CHEMIST: Why?
Man: 3 girls r comin home.
Man next day: give me IODEX
C: wat happend?
M: This is 4 my hand, the girls didnt come

In Sonia's residnce LALOO finds a DONKEY & a CAT.
To impress her in english he remarks-Soniaji, ur ASS is cute but ur PUSSY is Mind Blowing!!!    
 

SARDAR: Orders a PIZZA.
Waiter: Sir, shud i cut it into 4 pieces or 8 pieces?
SARDAR: 4 hi kar de, 8 khaye nahi jayenge...

Sardar's Wife looking at Honeymoon brochures said:
Let's try Greece this year..!
Sardar asked: Why? what's wrong with Vaseline?           

TENSION
Ladki ne Admi se Lift mangi
Raste me  UskiTabiat
Kharab hogai
Admi Hospital Le gaya
Doc bola
Ap bap ban'ne wale ho
admi ko  TENTION!
Admi bola
Me iska
Bap nhi! Phr ladki se pucha
Ladki boli
Yehi
Baap he
Admi ko aur tention
Phir
Police i
Admi ka medical chek up hua
Report i k
Who Admi to kabhi
Bap hi
Nhi bn sakta
Admi ne
Khuda ka
Shukr
Ada kia
Aur ap khushi khushi bahar a gaya!
0r phir
Socha k
Ghar pe jo 2 bachche hen..
Wo kis k hen.. > admi k0 phir TENTION

Wife in sexy luving mood sayz :
I wanna wild xperience...
Tie me up & do watevr U want...
Xcited hsbnd tied her up & laid d Maid ... !

It takes two things to be a consultant..... Grey hair and piles !
The grey hair makes you look wise and the piles give you a concerned look !!

Sardar giving speech 2 deaf people, rubs chest, touches dick & starts masturbating. When asked he says "It means- Ladies & Gentlemen it gives me great pleasure"

Santa ki wife bed per dono tango ko failakar boli 'kuch samjhe?'
santa : Haa, aaj tu bed par akeli soyegi....
  
 
3 women on train  first ''i'm a YUP, young, urban professional''. 2nd ''i'm a DINK,double income no kids''.  3rd ''i'm a WIFE, WASH IRON FUCK ETC!''

Aasman me kaali ghata chhaayi hai, aaj phir gharwali se maar khai hai,kehti hai wo sudhar jao per galti meri nahi,aaj phir kaamwali bina BRA ke aaye Hai

Sardar wanted 2 get married at 90
He goes 2 doctor 2 check if he is sexually fit.
Dr: OK,let me see ur sex organs
Sardar shows his tongue & finger

Museum admn : dats a 500 year old statue u've broken..Banta : thnks god.! I thought it was a new one.

Santa's wife lost interest in Sex.
Dr.gave him pils 2give 2 wife. He drops 1 in her tea & takes 1 himself.
Aftr 10mins,
Wife: I need a MAN.
Santa: Me Too.
 
 
jagtar bunks office n goes to home.He saw his wife with his boss.He comes back running office and says,baap re, boss ne dekh liya hota to maar daalta,

Aurat chappal wali dukan te." Ek chappal ta dikhao ."
Man " kinna no. ?"
aurat , "36"
Man ,"bibi pehle dimag te zor pa k soch ...,  lain ki ayi aee hai

What did the Sardar do when his girlfriend asked him to bring protection on their next date?
He brought his 3 brothers and 5 cousins with him!

Shakespeare said,
.
.
.
.
. 
Nothing to me.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. 
. 
Did he say anythin 2 u?
Nothing na?
Kuch bola toh dekh lenge saale ko....!
;-)

OLD MAN: After the 1st fuck I feel hot & after the 2nd fuck I feel cold. 
WIFE: That's because your 1st fuck is in May & d 2nd fuck is in December !

Watch DESERT STORM 2009 on ESPN 27, 28, 29th march. At 9.00 PM. 3 part program.

Man to his wife.
U can have sex for 1 hour the way u want it.
Wife jumps , kisses him & runs out saying...
"I am going next door n will be back in an hour..."

Santa's Wife: Aaj tum mere saath  aisa kuch karo ki bas meri cheekhein hi nikal jaaye..
Bas phir kya tha..Santa ne wife ki salwaar mein aag laga di..

How will u destroy a submarine full of sardar.?    Simple...Just knock the door nd they will open it....

70 ways to keep a Woman happy. One is to take her Shopping.  The rest is...     69

One Lady : Did you know that Lions have sex 4 to 6 times a night?
2nd lady : Damn it ! And I just joined  Rotary club!
 

Santa goes to Hospital for advice on Family Planning. Notice at the entrance:"For Family Planing USE REAR ENTRY" He went back home & is living hapyly Everafter.

Try this its really different..    This Math's test can predict ur favourite
IDOL..
try it without looking at d answer pls
Pick 1 fav no from 1 - 9 Multiply that no with 3. Add 3 to that no. Then multiply tht no with 3 again..u'l get a 2 digit no. Add the digits of no n find ur IDOL below.
 
 1. Einstein
  
 2. Amitabh bachchan
  
 3. Dr. APJ
 
 4. Dhoni
 
 5. Bill gates
 
 6. Gandhiji
 
 7. Michael schumacher
 
 8. Hitler
 
 9. Bipin  
 
 10. Roger federer
 
THANKS

Santa's wife dies. He is calm, but his wife's lover is crying furiously...
Finally, santa consoles him: Don't worry buddy, I will marry again.

A 3year old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath asked - mom are these my brains ?
Mom replied - Not yet .

On their first night:
Husband: Is it really your first night?
Wife: No... No...Actually it is first time at night.

What is the difference between a wife and a mistress.
SPIT AND SWALLOW

Producer: I'am going to make a Movie, can you suggest
  a
 Heart-touching title..?
 .
 .
 .
 .
 .
Sardar:            'boobs"

After Sex, a Thai girl kept fondling man's Cock. Man: "Why? You want some more,eh?" Thai girl: "No-lah! Just admiring your Cock. I used to have one before."

On a condom dispensing machine, it was written-
"Very Safe"
'Strictly made as per High British standards'.
Someone wrote below-
"So was the Titanic"....

 

Once SARDAR Ji saw a very soni kudi in market and thought....
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
 ...
 
Kash k ye meri maa hondi to main bhi itna sona honda..

Dr implants new EAR 2 a man!
Man-U fraud,U gave me a woman's ear?
Dr:It makes no difrence.
Man-It does!
Now I hear evrythng but undrstnd nothing"
 

Wat a RIP OFF!!I
saw a book in d store whose cover page read:
'37 MATING POSITIONS'
I took it home,
sat in my room,
opend it.
Damitt,It was a book on CHESS!
:-(

Why do Pnjabi wmen hav big boobs?
Bcz dey tke out money frm d BRA 2 gv 4 ARDAS & d Mahant says-
Jede KHAJANEAN TON MAYA Ayi hai VAHEGURU  OS KHAJANEAN NU HOR VADHAVEY

Man calls the hospital to know abt pregnant wife but by mistake dials the cricket stadium. Man:How's it going? Reply:Fine, 4 r already out, last one was a duck

2day is " 1word xpression day".
Describe me in 1 word using the first letter of YOUR name. This is fun. Send to everyone & see what they say,  Do reply me 1st.

Nurse: ur wife just had triplets.
German: Im not suprised. My dick is as big as a chimney!
Nurse: Better get it cleaned then - they're all black.

Marwadi lady with small busts inquire to Dr. bust enlargment Plastic Surgery karvane me kitna kharcha aaega ?
Dr: 5 lakh
Marwadi lady: Agar Plastic hum de to?

WHOS GUILTY?
Wife Dreamin in D Middle of D night,Suddenly Shouts
"Quick, My Husband is Back"
Man gets up,Jumps out D Window n Realizes
"Damn, i m the Husband"

Lifeguard : U R not allowed to pee in the pool.
Santa : But everyone pees in the pool.
Lifeguard : Maybe. But..
Not from the diving board!

Lady:doctor mere lips pe infection ho gaya hai, doctr:kiss kitni bar karti ho? lady: saal me 1bar.!doctor infection nahi ZUNG lag gaya hai

Interviewer- U told u hav 5 yrs of xprience bt ur resume says this is ur 1st job. Candidate- Ur ad said, U wanted someone with imagination.

Dr - Tel ur husband dat u r pregnant..
Girl - bt I'm unmarid.
Dr - den inform ur Boy-frnd.
Girl - I dont hv any!
Dr - den tel ur mom JESUS is coming again...

She: Doctor, by mistake I took an I-pill. Now what should I do ?
Doctor: Quick, within 72 hours, get yourself fucked...!

GAY SARDAR ne nahate wakt bade se mirror me apni ASS dekhte huwe sher  kaha-
"Kya qayamat hai Kya majboori hai"
"Paas reh k bhi kitni doori hai"

A signboard outside a church "Ladies please note- lying in bed naked with somebody & screaming.. Oh my God! Oh my God! WON'T b considerd as PRAYER!"

 

Careful! You could choke on this one.

Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 76 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, What happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to touch my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I certainly did not!

Defence Attorney:
Why ever not?

Little Old Lady:
His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

Interesting Sayings...

1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.. I don't remember what I chose.

 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

 4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'

 5. There are only two four-letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

 7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

 8. Virginity can be cured.

 9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

 10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.

 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

 13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?

 A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

 14. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?

 A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.

 15. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

   A: Breasts don't have eyes.

 16. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

Don't copy if you can't paste.

Not too long ago, a large seminar was held for ministers and reverends in training. Among the facilitators were many well-known motivational speakers. One such speaker boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "That woman was my mother!" The crowd burst into laughter and he gave his speech, which was well received.

About a week later, one of the ministers who had attended the seminar ecided to use that joke in his sermon. As he shyly approached the pulpit one sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It was a bit foggy to him. Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

His congregation sat shocked, murmuring. After standing there for almost 10 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out "...and I can't remember who she was!"

Moral of the story: Don't copy if you can't paste.

Blind To The Truth

Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane.

Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke.

None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realise they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

 At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in safe hands after all.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Escaped Convict...

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."

Office Policy...

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:

Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:

* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.

* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN EXPLAINED!!!

Once upon a time, a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers, knowing there were many monkeys, went to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 each and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He then announced that he would buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the villagers efforts and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon, the supply diminished and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his assistant would buy on his behalf. The assistant told the villagers, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that my boss has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when my boss returns, you can sell them to him for $50."The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys for 700 billion dollars.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the
WALL STREET BAILOUT PLAN WORKS!!!
It doesn't get much clearer than this........

Jagtar bunks office...

Jagtar bunks office and goes home. He finds his wife with his boss. He gets back to office running and says, 'baap re, boss ne dekh liya hota to maar dalta'.